LESS than Ordinary...

Oh, where do I begin? The last week and a half, especially the last five or so days, have been a real time of challenge and in many ways failure in my life. For a little background, my husband, who is a youth pastor, was gone five of seven days last week. He spent Monday and Tuesday at a staff retreat and Friday through Sunday at a youth retreat. I would like to take a moment to say how much I admire all of you mom's out there whose husbands are in the military or travel a lot for work, and even more so any single moms. I really struggled during this past week.

"A" and I have been going through an exceptionally hard time of late. Unfortunately, it didn't end as soon as daddy came home either. I fully expected, when I had a daughter that somewhere around those pre-teen/ teenage years we would go through some rough stretches. I knew that we would be emotional and at odds about things. However, seeing that she is only five, I never expected to feel the frustration, disappointment, and quite honestly anger toward her that I've felt this past week. It seemed all I was doing was disciplining my child regarding her attitude and arguing at every waking moment. It really wore me out. Luckily, I have a couple of wonderful friends who have done a lot of listening these past few days and said some very simple things that spoke volumes into my life.

I want to say first and foremost that I am so thankful that God gave me friends that at least "claim" to be as imperfect as I am. As I told each of these two special women in my life, at different times, that I felt like I had no positive feelings toward my daughter and while I loved her, I honestly wasn't liking her at all, they both showed me grace and did not react with either shock or condemnation, and for that I am truly blessed. One of my friends said something very simple that she said she'd heard from another friend's husband, she said, "I always remember (so and so) saying, God must have given us these kids in order to keep us on our knees." Now to be honest, I've heard that before about different things, but this week in the middle of my feelings of stress, frustration, and feelings of failure, it spoke to me afresh. I replayed those words for the next 24 hours or so over and over in my head. That time included another very tough day, where I finally found myself crying out in my spirit, "GOD, I can't do this anymore!" And there it was... that still, small voice I've heard so many times in my life before, "you're right, you can't, thank you for finally realizing it." There I was, "on my knees," finally able to see myself for who I was, and able to see God for who he was. With a broken spirit, I asked God to love my daughter, to teach my daughter, and to show grace to my precious child, because in my own strength, I had nothing to give. And there in that moment I felt the truth of Matthew 11:28, "Come to me all you, who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

What's funny is I was talking to another one of my friend's this morning, recalling some of the events of the past few days and she said something else that really struck me. She said, everyone always says, "parenting isn't for the faint of heart," but really that's exactly who God wants. God isn't looking for someone who feels confident to parent on their own strength and their own plan. He's looking for the broken and the weak, those who are able to "let go, and let God." I so often find myself trying and working harder on being a better mom, which isn't necessarily bad, but so often I leave God out of the picture when I do that. My friend said she's been writing the words "look up" on her hand in the morning, so that when she starts to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, etc., she'll remember where she needs to look for guidance and help to make it through.

So, that's where I am today. I am trying to rest at the foot of the cross. I am handing my burden over to God, to carry the load, because without question, parenting is the most difficult thing I've ever done. On a more practical note, I'm praying a lot, for God's wisdom in disciplining my children and that I will love them with his love. I am also planning a mommy/daughter morning later this week. I think that I get so caught up in the discipline and training, that I forget to enjoy my daughter. I've scheduled donuts and pottery painting, and I can't wait! As much as I don't enjoy these times of molding and purifying that God takes me through, I am thankful for them. I pray that I will remember to stay on my knees and look to the one who loves my children so much more than I do!