Give It Up!

Last Wednesday began Lent, the time from Ash Wednesday until Easter when Catholics traditionally give something up in honor of God and discipline themselves by withholding certain luxuries/vices. For about five years now, I have been quite intrigued with the concept. I have never been strong in the area of will power and I am not an overly disciplined individual. So, in the past I just thought, Lent, that's a great concept, but then did nothing about it. Well, this year a good friend put a challenge on her facebook page that people would seriously consider this discipline this year. I decided it was time to take the plunge, and I decided to give up most sweets (candy, cakes, cookies, desserts, etc). I allow myself to have soda because it helps with headaches that I get quite regularly. Otherwise almost all sweets are off limits. I would like to take a few minutes to share some of what I've been learning this first week.

For starters, I was amazed those first couple days how often I went for sweets without even realizing I was doing it. For example, I started eating a Fiber One breakfast bar that is drizzled w/ chocolate. I took one bite and thought, hey, this is pretty much a candy bar for breakfast, even if it's somewhat healthier, it's still a chocolate fix. So, I didn't finish it. Then the next day my husband and I went out for Chinese food and we got our fortune cookies at the end. I of course grabbed mine, bit in and started to chew, suddenly realized it was a "cookie" and spit it out. Examples like that made me think about areas of sin in my life. Sometimes our sin becomes such a comfortable part of everyday life that we aren't even aware we are doing it until we "take a big bite." I find myself thinking selfish thoughts, starting to show anger or sarcasm to my kids, or judging a brother or sister in Christ. I have to literally stop myself and "spit it out." I have to call a spade a spade and stop doing the thing I know is wrong. I love the verse, 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." When I sin, it almost always begins as a thought or attitude, and I must stop and say, "This is not true, what God says about _______ is true, and that truth is ________." We really must control our thoughts and as the verse says make them obedient to Christ. If we don't catch them in the early stages, it will lead to major disaster.

Another thing I've learned so far from the practice of Lent, is that other people are not responsible to help me hold to my convictions. For example, this past weekend I went with my husband, the youth pastor, to a youth retreat. Around 400 students and leaders at a camp in Wisconsin. Well, as I'm sure you can guess, there were sweet treats everywhere. Homemade cookies, ice cream bar, desserts, cinnamon rolls, and more were plentiful. People around me, some who knew that I was giving up sweets, were deeply enjoying their sugary goodies. There was even some oohing and ahhing and discussions on which dessert was best. I had to realize that no one was being mean or trying to trip me up by what they were doing. Plain and simply, they had not given up sweets for Lent, and they were welcome to eat whatever they chose. Similarly in our walk with Christ, we have certain convictions that he has placed on our hearts. We are accountable to God for the choices we make regarding those convictions, even if no one else feels convicted in such a manor. In addition, we must understand that others are not wrong or sinful if they are engaging in behaviors that are not sinful according to God's word, even if God may have called us to restrain from that behavior.

Finally, God is teaching me more about the concept of praying without ceasing. Every time I see sweets or think about how good some chocolate would taste, I try to pray instead. It is just a reminder to me how often we think about things of this world and our own selfish desires, and how I should be spending more time and effort focusing on things above.

Well, it's only been one week and I have about five or six to go. I am looking forward to learning more and becoming more disciplined. I would encourage everyone to consider some aspect of the discipline of fasting in your own life.

LESS than Ordinary...

Oh, where do I begin? The last week and a half, especially the last five or so days, have been a real time of challenge and in many ways failure in my life. For a little background, my husband, who is a youth pastor, was gone five of seven days last week. He spent Monday and Tuesday at a staff retreat and Friday through Sunday at a youth retreat. I would like to take a moment to say how much I admire all of you mom's out there whose husbands are in the military or travel a lot for work, and even more so any single moms. I really struggled during this past week.

"A" and I have been going through an exceptionally hard time of late. Unfortunately, it didn't end as soon as daddy came home either. I fully expected, when I had a daughter that somewhere around those pre-teen/ teenage years we would go through some rough stretches. I knew that we would be emotional and at odds about things. However, seeing that she is only five, I never expected to feel the frustration, disappointment, and quite honestly anger toward her that I've felt this past week. It seemed all I was doing was disciplining my child regarding her attitude and arguing at every waking moment. It really wore me out. Luckily, I have a couple of wonderful friends who have done a lot of listening these past few days and said some very simple things that spoke volumes into my life.

I want to say first and foremost that I am so thankful that God gave me friends that at least "claim" to be as imperfect as I am. As I told each of these two special women in my life, at different times, that I felt like I had no positive feelings toward my daughter and while I loved her, I honestly wasn't liking her at all, they both showed me grace and did not react with either shock or condemnation, and for that I am truly blessed. One of my friends said something very simple that she said she'd heard from another friend's husband, she said, "I always remember (so and so) saying, God must have given us these kids in order to keep us on our knees." Now to be honest, I've heard that before about different things, but this week in the middle of my feelings of stress, frustration, and feelings of failure, it spoke to me afresh. I replayed those words for the next 24 hours or so over and over in my head. That time included another very tough day, where I finally found myself crying out in my spirit, "GOD, I can't do this anymore!" And there it was... that still, small voice I've heard so many times in my life before, "you're right, you can't, thank you for finally realizing it." There I was, "on my knees," finally able to see myself for who I was, and able to see God for who he was. With a broken spirit, I asked God to love my daughter, to teach my daughter, and to show grace to my precious child, because in my own strength, I had nothing to give. And there in that moment I felt the truth of Matthew 11:28, "Come to me all you, who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

What's funny is I was talking to another one of my friend's this morning, recalling some of the events of the past few days and she said something else that really struck me. She said, everyone always says, "parenting isn't for the faint of heart," but really that's exactly who God wants. God isn't looking for someone who feels confident to parent on their own strength and their own plan. He's looking for the broken and the weak, those who are able to "let go, and let God." I so often find myself trying and working harder on being a better mom, which isn't necessarily bad, but so often I leave God out of the picture when I do that. My friend said she's been writing the words "look up" on her hand in the morning, so that when she starts to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, etc., she'll remember where she needs to look for guidance and help to make it through.

So, that's where I am today. I am trying to rest at the foot of the cross. I am handing my burden over to God, to carry the load, because without question, parenting is the most difficult thing I've ever done. On a more practical note, I'm praying a lot, for God's wisdom in disciplining my children and that I will love them with his love. I am also planning a mommy/daughter morning later this week. I think that I get so caught up in the discipline and training, that I forget to enjoy my daughter. I've scheduled donuts and pottery painting, and I can't wait! As much as I don't enjoy these times of molding and purifying that God takes me through, I am thankful for them. I pray that I will remember to stay on my knees and look to the one who loves my children so much more than I do!