On the Verge...

Last night, I sat down to watch "A Walk to Remember." I hadn't seen that movie since it came out, I believe in 2002... when I drug my new husband (who was still willing to see chick flicks with me) proclaiming that I had just read the book and it was the best thing ever. Much to my dismay it was very different from the book and I spent the next 8 years saying I hated the movie... so I was not expecting a whole lot last night. However, about mid way through I found myself tearing up as this young couple began to fall in love, etc. And then, as she walked down the aisle with her father, this 18 year old with Leukemia, about to marry her true love... The flood gates opened. I am talking full out, "ugly cry" took place. I was trying to catch my breath and sobbing and kind of shaking. I should add, I don't usually even cry much at movies... so I was kind of wondering what was going on. I've come up with a few possibilities.

I was sick this past week, I had strep throat. Being sick always wears me out emotionally as well as physically. I think that was definitely part of it, but even that didn't seem like enough. I just felt like I couldn't contain myself, like my emotions were right at the surface, can anyone relate to this? So I began trying to figure out why and I really believe that God has me right on the verge of understanding some things about myself that are not easy and teaching me some painful but necessary lessons.

About 2-3 weeks ago I began a mom's Bible study at my church on the book of Esther, by Beth Moore. I was excited, expecting to learn more about how to study the Bible, and read between the lines of scripture, etc. since Beth is such an amazing teacher. What I've gotten so far is so much more than I expected or bargained for. The subtitle of this Bible study is "Esther: It's Tough Being a Women." Every week there is a "scenario" in which it is tough to be a woman. Yesterday's video and this week's homework is focused on, "It's tough being a woman in a mean world." She talked about the meanness between Haman and Mordecai, but also about how as women we all have this mean streak we need to get under control. She talked about how all "meanness perceives a threat." I realized this is an area that God has been talking to me about for several weeks now. Not necessarily my "mean" streak, but more so my insecurities. I think I felt I was pretty confident and knew who I was as a Christian, as a wife and mother. I'm am starting to find out though that I have some really deep seated fears that I am only scratching the surface of. At age 31, I am finding that I still have an intense fear of rejection and not fitting in. Whether it's with the other "preschool moms" or even more so the women at church, I find myself feeling very self conscious. I wonder why so and so never seems to want to talk to me or wondering why I always seem to have to initiate spending time with certain friends. I know the truth, I know what God's word says in 1 John 3:1, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!..." I am God's child, he has lavished his love upon me. That is an incredible truth. All my worth can be found in that truth and in the fact that he loved me so much he sent his one and only son to die for me! Yet sometimes, I'm finding that the truth that is in my mind, is having a hard time making its way into my heart. I am living as a captive. Galatians 5:1 has always been a favorite, " It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery." I feel I am currently living in a form of bondage. I feel a need to be accepted by the world and to find my value in what others think of me. I know that this is sin, and I desire to be released from it. They always say awareness is the first step and that is where I am right now. I am scared to death of where God is going to take me next. I feel physically sick to my stomach as I write because I know that it is time for some serious self evaluation and pruning by my heavenly father. Exodus 20: 5 says, "... for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God,..." I know he does not accept a divided heart from his child. He wants and desires to be not only number one, but the ONLY one that I am looking to for love, acceptance, and self worth. I am ready to begin examining the strongholds I have allowed to creep up in my life. Like I said, I know it is going to be a journey and not always a pleasant one. However, I know that God has brought me to this spot and I know that he alone will see me through. So I will hold to the promise that, "the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3-4.

Questions???

"Momma, are we going home?" "Mommy can I have a snack at home?" "Momma do I have to go to bed at home?" "Mommy can I go back to that house again sometime?" "Momma, why do people without kids have kid movies?" etc...

Those were just a FEW of the questions my children asked me on our 15-20 minute drive home from some friends' home last night. At one point, about five minutes from home, I looked at Bill with a smile and said, "Remember that sign we saw at the Children's Museum last week that said the average 4 year old asks 437 questions a day, well I'm pretty sure our kids have surpassed that amount in our drive home tonight!" I'll admit that for the first ten or so questions my response to "Momma?" was, "yes buddy," or "yes sweetheart." However, by the time we hit question 150 or so I was giving a somewhat snippy, "WHAT?"

After the kids were finally home and tucked into bed for the night and there were no more questions for me to answer, the wheels in my head started to turn. I began to think about all those questions and what I could learn from them, as a mother, and as a Christ follower. Of course I started with a question of my own. Why do people ask so many questions? Well, as far as my kids go, it's simply that they need information. This world is huge and still relatively new to them and how can they learn, if they don't ask? That made me think more about the questions they ask and even how they ask them. My not quite 3 year old asks the same questions over and over. Sometimes this can seem very irritating. I mean how many times do you need me to answer the question, "are we going home now?" It's like he just couldn't get it? Or wasn't really listening to my answer. Then there's my 5 and a half year old, whose questions seemed more thought out such as, "mom, why did they have kid's movies at that house, when they don't have any kids?" And after given an answer one time, she seemed satisfied and moved on to something else. So, where am I going with all this?

Well, as a mom, it just really hit me that I need to be patient and kind when I answer the questions my children ask. It won't always be easy and there will be lots of times when I'll be tempted to and sometimes give into responding with a frustrated, "WHAT?" But I hope I'll remember that it is a privilege to answer the questions of my children. Most of us can remember a time we asked a friend, teacher or maybe even a parent a question and received a snippy response. Well, I don't know about you, but when that happens to me, I usually tell myself, fine, see if I ever ask that person anything again. What a tragedy if that were the mindset of my children toward me. In addition, I'm learning that their questions are such great learning opportunities. Not only in the obvious way, by giving them the information they are seeking, but also the chance to help them to learn to think and reason for themselves. When my 2 year old asks me if he can have a snack for the 10th time in two minutes, I can gently respond with, "what did mommy tell you about that?" And when my very curious 5 year old asks me why someone is acting a certain way, I can say, "I'm not sure, what do you think they could be feeling right now?" None of this is rocket science or anything new that most moms don't already know, yet it's something that I find so easy to forget. Especially for those of us in the trenches of motherhood answering the questions day in and day out.

However, the more I thought on this topic, I realized that God is so often that loving parent answering the questions of his children over and over again. I wonder how many of us get stuck in spiritual toddlerhood. Asking God the same things over and over and he graciously keeps answering. I spent some time looking up the phrase "asked Jesus" in an online concordance. Between the Gospels and the book of Acts, I got 91 hits. These were verses that dealt both with people who "asked Jesus" something and times when Jesus was asking the questions. As I skimmed over the verses I was so intrigued. Many questions were asked in order for the disciples or someone else to gain knowledge from Jesus. Other times the pharisees or rulers of the day asked Jesus questions in order to try and trap him or get him into trouble. And over and over again, Jesus asked people questions in response in order to get people to think for themselves and to help them realize the answers were right there if only they would look. However, in none of the verses I read, did Jesus give an angry response. He may have responded with his own questions, but he was patient and kind and always took the time to engage whoever was speaking with him. And so he is with me. I am very humbled that the creator of the universe, would take the time to listen to my questions and help guide me into a deeper understanding of who he is. I am blessed that even when my questions are full of hurt and confusion and anger, he responds with loving kindness. I am grateful that even though I sometimes don't listen or just don't get it, he never gives up on me. And most of all I am thankful that even when I don't like it or don't understand it, there is always a response to my questions.

Pain in the Offering...

Every so often I find that the Lord is gracious enough to allow me to see Him at work in the life of one of my children. It usually comes at one of those times when I'm ashamed to say, I've been thinking in my head, "seriously Lord, I love these kids, but I sure don't like them right now..." or "Lord, is anything I'm trying to teach them about you sticking... AT ALL, because I sure don't see it...." I'd been going through a time like that recently. It seemed like whenever I asked "E" if he wanted to pray, he said, "no," if I asked him if he wanted to go to church, he said, "no," if I asked if he was going to obey mommy because it would make Jesus happy, you guessed it, he said, "no!" And things with "A" felt even worse... I taught her the verse, "Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God," and when she would be fighting with "E" or a friend, I would remind her to be a peacemaker and she would tell me, "I don't want to!" And then the climax about a week ago when "A" had been having a particularly rough patch of talking back and just having a bad attitude, I got down on her level, and prepared myself to "speak the truth in love" to my daughter, and I explained that her behavior, plain and simple, was sin, and that our sin was what caused Jesus to have to die on the cross, etc... She paused and looked at me, meanwhile I'm imagining some great lightbulb going off in her head, and she responds, "MOM, your breath smells SO BAD!!" Great... just great, I'm really getting through to these kids. I even find myself momentarily asking, is it worth it? Why bother? However, I know that God's truth is more important than my emotions, so, I keep pushing on. And then, out of nowhere, God decides to give me the experience of this past week.

It began Sunday night. I was putting "A" to bed and I asked her what she had learned in Sunday School that day. It was kind of odd, because I just felt very led to ask her that, which I don't always do. I was half expecting her to say, "I don't know," or, "I don't remember," but she didn't. She told me they learned about a woman who didn't have much, but she gave all her money to God. Then she added that her teachers talked to her about how there was an earthquake in Haiti, and that there were people there that needed help and money. I told her that was true and we talked about how sad it was for the people in Haiti, and then I asked her if she wanted to give some of her money to the people in Haiti. She said yes, and I asked if she wanted to give the five dollar bill she had received as a Christmas present from my grandpa. Now for a little background, this five dollar bill is the only money aside from change in her piggy bank that my five year old currently possesses. She paused and said, "mommy, that money is really special, great-grandpa wanted me to have it." I told her it was true, it was special and that I would let her decide what she wanted to do. Fast forward to Tuesday evening. I am putting "A" to bed again and I see laying on her bedside table the aforementioned five dollar bill. I ask her what it is doing there, because I know that it is usually kept safely in her wallet, in her jewelry box. That's when "A" told me that she had decided that she wanted to give her five dollar bill to the people of Haiti. As a mother, my heart filled with love for this precious little girl. She was willing to take what she had heard and put it into practice. She did not give from her wealth, it would have been easy to give a few dimes and nickels from the piggy bank, but she gave all she had, her prized five dollar bill.

I feel that as adults we can learn a lot from the widow in the Bible story that gave her all to the Lord, and from my precious daughter who gave her five dollar bill to those devastated by the earthquake in Haiti. It made me think of the song, "Blessed be Your Name," by Matt Redmon. There is a section that goes: "Blessed be your name, On the road marked with suffering, When there's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name." Now, I need to let you know, so far 2010 has not gotten off to the financial start that I was planning for. In the first half of the first month of this new year we've incurred the following expenses: new car battery for our van, four new tires and alignment for our van, a new pump of some kind for our Jeep, a new dryer, and currently our van is making a new squealing sound that my husband is pretty sure is the water pump, it goes to the shop tomorrow. All in all about $1500-$2000 of bills we were not expecting. I have to be honest, this past week, I have said to myself, "I'd love to give some/more to Haiti, if only we didn't have all these unexpected expenses come up." But you know, God keeps bringing that line from that song back to my mind, over and over and over... Megan, now is one of those times when there is in fact some, "pain in the offering." What are you going to do? Do we stop tithing when the bills get tight? Do we pass on supporting that missionary or those in need because of that unexpected expense? It's hard stuff, but God is teaching me to trust Him. I don't know exactly what will happen yet, but I can feel God working on me in a big way, challenging me and waiting to see what I'll decide. I pray that I won't let Him down. And I thank Him for the blessing of allowing me to see His hand molding my little daughter even now.

And away we go...

Well, here it is, I'm starting a blog. You may ask why? Well, I started thinking about blogging a few weeks ago, and ever since I've been toying with the idea in my head. I don't really know if I have anything earth shattering to say. As I said in my profile, I'm not one of those moms that most people, myself included, admire. I haven't somehow managed to juggle the schedules of a big family, I don't homeschool my children, run some amazing at home business or even cook well... In fact, I consider myself one of the least qualified people to tell anyone, anything. However, the more I thought about it, I thought maybe all the things that disqualify me are actually the things that qualify me the most.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible has always been, "When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary, men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus." Acts 4:13. Thousands of people were coming to Christ and Peter and John were being forced to present their "case" so to speak in front of the rulers of the day. Everyone knew they were just fishermen, not scholars and yet they spoke with such authority and clarity. There was only one explanation people could find... "these men had been with Jesus." Wow! So, the more I got to thinking... I realized I too, "have been with Jesus." I have had a relationship with Jesus for approximately 25 years now. Albeit a very rocky relationship at times, but a relationship all the same. That fact alone gives me a "reason" to write this blog. Surely, He has shown me some things that are worth mentioning.

Last week while studying the Bible I read the following passage in Deuteronomy 11, "1- Love the Lord your God and keep his requirements, his decrees, his laws and his commands always. Remember today that your children were not the ones who saw and experienced the discipline of the LORD your God... 5- It was not your children who saw what he did for you in the desert until you arrived at this place... 7-But it was your own eyes that saw all these great things the LORD has done." A little later in verses 18-19, the familiar D6 passage is repeated, "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." Now I look at this as primarily as a passage telling us as parents that we have a responsibility to tell our children about the experiences in our lives where we have seen God work. We may not have seen the Red Sea open up and close on the armies of Egypt, but we all have a story to tell. It is not enough for us to just tell our kids Bible stories and "about" God, that will not change their lives long term. They need to see a faith that is practical that changes lives, and what better place to see that than in the lives of their parents. But lets take it one step further. In addition to teaching our children, we have a responsibility to build up the body of Christ. "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1Thes. 5:11. So, I figure, no one has had the exact same experiences that I have had. God has taught me lessons in ways He may or may not have taught others. Therefore, if I can encourage anyone or help anyone draw closer to God by sharing what "my eyes have seen," then I will share. And for those reasons, I am starting this blog...