Be the Mom God Has Called YOU to Be!

This post is dealing with something that I am very passionate about. It's near and dear to my heart, and I am guessing I may be in tears at some point while writing. I've wanted to Blog about this topic all summer, but I couldn't quite get my thoughts into words. This past week I felt like it finally all fell into place, so here goes nothing...

Being a mom is tough... It really, really is. The hours are long and the job is extremely demanding physically, emotionally and spiritually. But I'm not here to complain about being a mom, I love my kids, and it's well worth all the energy and sleep deprivation we go through. However, I have noticed something in recent years. While I believe that we moms, should be each others biggest cheerleaders and supporters, I find we often cause each other the most stress. If I am being totally honest, I would say that I have spent a lot of the last couple years feeling intimidated, insecure and guilty when it comes to my parenting. It absolutely breaks my heart when I talk to friends that have been made to feel less of a parent by other Christian moms due to choices they have made for their families. There are a lot of strong opinions out there about things like birth control, natural childbirth, breast feeding, cloth diapering, allowing your child to "cry it out, " homeschooling and on and on. I will not state my opinions on any of these issues in this post, because that's all they are, my opinions. I instead want to look at the way our opinions effect other moms.

I think that many Christian moms/stay at home moms have had to deal with a lot of criticism from society on the choices they have made for their families. We have been made to feel like our job doesn't matter or that we are somehow less important because we aren't out earning a paycheck. It is devastating to me that our culture has such a warped view on the value of motherhood. It is a job that I am proud to have and consider myself lucky that I have a husband that values me being home with our kids enough to make the sacrifices our family has had to make in order for me to do so. However, I feel that sometimes, in our defense of what we do at home, we have allowed the pendulum to swing to far the other way. In order to feel justified of our choices we have declared our choices, the ONLY right choices. That leads me to my feelings these past couple of years. I find myself surrounded by moms who feel extremely strongly that this or that is what is best for children. I have felt selfish, guilty, and extremely intimidated that I didn't feel like I could do this or that, since this or that is what is best for children. Now, I know that ultimately that I am responsible for my feelings and insecurities. It just pains me that in an effort to make ourselves feel okay, we often end up making someone else feel horrible. I do not consider myself blameless in this area. I had a friend this past year read my blog and tell me that she was surprised to hear about my struggles, because she had me pegged as one of those moms who "had it all together." Well, nothing could be further from the truth. I have spent the last couple years trying to figure out what on earth I'm supposed to be doing with these precious children God has entrusted to me to raise. I've suffered sleepless nights concerned about the decisions I was making. Suddenly doubting things I'd always believed and planned to do because other strong Christians were doing it another way. Finally, after years of struggling and wrestling with all of this, I've come to the conclusion I think I knew all along but was afraid to really grab hold of.

I am supposed to be the mom that God create ME to be. Not the mom he created my best friend to be. Not the mom he created that woman at Bible Study to be. Not the mom he created YOU to be, but the mom he created ME to be. I think I always knew that, but I finally have a plan to figure out who he created me to be. I was at a Family Camp last week and our speaker challenged us all that we need to be reading through the entire Bible often. He also said that whenever he reads through the Bible from start to finish he does so with a specific purpose. For example he just finished reading through the Bible studying everything that God had to say about prayer. So, I decided that I am going to start reading through the Bible taking notes and studying everything God has to say about marriage, family, parenting, etc. I am actually super excited. I feel like I am finally asking the only person I really need to give an answer to what HE thinks I should do. I am looking forward to doing a lot of listening, letting the scripture speak to me. I think I've gotten so caught up reading so many Blogs, reading books, talking to friends, and listening to women's speakers, that I lost track of the only voice that really counts. Not only am I looking forward to studying the scripture with this goal in mind, but I know that I will be blessed simply from being in the word more regularly. My kids I know are best parented not when I am following any formulas from any book, but rather when I am filling myself with God's word and asking him to empty me of myself and help me to love my kids with his love.

Now I hope that you know I am not saying that I am against reading books, going to women's conferences, or seeking friends advice. I am also not saying that any or all of the issues I mentioned above are right or wrong. We just need to realize that we all have different life situations, convictions and that the body is made of many different and beautiful parts. I hope we can all stop and think before we jump up on our soapbox about our pet issues, whether we are harming our sister's in Christ by stating that our way is THE way. Instead let us meditate on the following, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, BUT ONLY WHAT IS HELPFUL FOR BUILDING OTHERS UP ACCORDING TO THEIR NEEDS, THAT IT MAY BENEFIT THOSE WHO LISTEN." ~Ephesians 4:29. I pray that we can all give ourselves and other moms the Freedom to be the mom God has called us to be!

In the Desert

My faith has always been one steered by truth and not merely emotion. I learned a long time ago that God doesn't always "feel" close and that there are times when he actually feels extremely far away and even silent in our lives. However, just as it was true for Joshua in the book of Deuteronomy, it is true for me today, "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deut. 31:8) I also learned early on that God never changes, so when he feels distant, it is most likely that I am the one that has moved. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and tomorrow." (Hebrews 13:8) So what is my point? This is not a new concept. Most of us know God will never leave us and he is never changing.

My point is this, for the past several weeks, I have been going through one of the biggest spiritual droughts of my life. I have felt distant, disconnected and quite frankly discouraged in my relationship with God. If I may be even more honest, I am only now beginning to come out of this drought. However, it is now more than ever that I am clinging to the fact that God promised never to leave me and that his word is always true. I may not "feel" his presence or "feel" the joy of his truth, but it is true none the less. I know that I am not alone and that most people experience times like this. I really just wanted to encourage anyone else who finds or will find themselves in the midst of a spiritual desert. I want to encourage you to claim God's promises then more than ever.

Let me explain. As can be expected my recent spiritual drought has not just taken a toll on me. I have been a less than stellar mother, my temper has been shorter and my attitude less than desirable. In addition, my marriage has struggled as well. I have not chosen to love as Christ would have me love, because I feel disconnected from the ultimate source of love. I feel at times that I am on the outside looking in. I see my behavior and attitudes and am quite disgusted with myself. I find myself frustrated asking, "God how did I get here, why am I acting this way, what is wrong with me?!" Often times I feel I am met with silence, left alone with my thoughts. I kept thinking of all the things I needed to change in order to get back to a place where God would want me. However, I was reminded, that just as God doesn't expect new believers to fix themselves before coming to him, he shows me that same grace as a believer that has wandered. I also finally remembered the truths I mentioned above, God/Jesus is still the same, even though currently I have changed. So even though my heart is heavy I can still claim his truth in my life. I have asked him to give me his patience with my children and to take my anger from me. And although I may not feel him lifting the burden or the warmth of his presence, I am still very much aware that he is stepping in. When I surrender, and allow him to be who he is, my life is changed in spite of me.

I know that God will completely bring me through this time, however, I'm aware there will be many more times like this in my walk in the future. I also know that there are some big steps to be taken by me. I know there is repentance that needs to take place and obedience in some hard areas that needs to follow. I am starting to pinpoint some of my decisions and choices that led to this season. I am amazed that God is still waiting patiently as I take several twists and turns while I make my way back to his waiting arms. I will end with this truth, "Jesus answered them, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.'" (Luke 5:31) I feel this is applicable to both the non-believer and the believer who is distanced from the Lord. God is there, he is waiting for you to draw near to him. He will meet you where you are, you don't need to be "fixed" before he will help you. In fact, he is the only one that can make us whole again!

A Couple Easter Ideas for Preschoolers :-)

I thought I would share just a couple really simple things I've have done before or am doing this year to celebrate the true meaning of Easter with my kids. Both activities I'm posting are super simple and can be done with things you probably have around the house.

The first is Resurrection Rolls. My kids LOVE making these with me. What you need: can of crescent rolls, large marshmallows, melted butter, sugar & cinnamon. You tell your child that the marshmallow represents Jesus' body. You explain that after He died on the cross they took his body and prepared it for burial with spices, etc. You then take the marshmallow, dip it in butter and then a sugar/cinnamon mixture. Next you explain to your child how they put Jesus' body into the tomb (the crescent roll). You roll the marshmallow up inside the crescent roll. (It's important that you seal the roll well around the marshmallow.) Then bake the rolls. While they're baking you could take the time to tell the rest of the Easter Story. When the rolls are done baking you open the tomb (roll) and it will be empty, just like when Jesus rose from the dead! In addition, you have a yummy treat. My kids asked if we could make these Sunday morning this year for breakfast, which I thought was a great idea!

The other new thing I'm trying this year is Resurrection Eggs. I have heard of this a lot, but just decided to give it a try this year. You need a dozen plastic eggs, and a carton to hold them in. Then you fill the eggs w/ the following: donkey, coins, bread, praying hands, sword, crown of thorns, cross, nails, sponge, linen, stone, empty. Then you use the eggs to tell the story, allowing the kids to open the eggs and then tell them the story as you go. I watched a demonstration at the following link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YZZKe73_-8, and then I went to the website www.cullensabcs.com and went to her link for art patterns to get the donkey, praying hands, crown of thorns, and sword. You will understand by watching her video. I am very excited to try this with my preschool sunday school class and my own kids.

Hope everyone has a blessed Easter and is able to teach their children about the hope we have thanks to all Jesus did for us! In addition I strongly recommend, "The Jesus Storybook Bible," to any parent, not only for Easter but anytime. The stories are beautifully written and show us the love story between God and his people throughout the Old and New Testaments. Happy Easter!

Teachable Moments

I've been thinking a lot about teachable moments lately. I feel like my mind has been very aware on a daily basis when an opportunity arises that I can either 1) handle a situation myself and/or give my kids a quick answer like "because" or "you're to little to understand" or 2) take advantage of a teachable moment with my children. For example, when crossing the street with my three year old, I can simply grab his hand and tell him when to cross the street. I can also hold his hand, ask him to look both ways and tell me if cars or coming, and explain that we do this so that we stay safe when crossing streets. See the difference? Take it to a little deeper level. The other day "A" was singing along to the song, "You Never Let Go," by Matt Redman. A part of me just wanted to say, "that's nice singing "A"," and leave it at that. However, a little alarm went off in my head and it said, "TEACHABLE MOMENT!" So, I began to talk to her about the lyrics of the song, what it meant that Jesus would never let go of us during the storms of life, what the phrase 'every high and every low,' meant, etc. It ended up being a really meaningful conversation that I was able to have with my daughter about how awesome Jesus is and how he's always there for her! I love this verse, Psalm 34:11, "Come my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord." I hope that I can do that for my kids. Now, I'm not saying I never miss an opportunity, but I've learned that when I ask God to make me aware of teachable moments with my kids, he never disappoints. It is so rewarding to see your children understand something new, whether it's a simple life maintenance skill, Biblical truth, or academic achievement, knowing you were the one that taught them how to do that. Once again, when it comes to teachable moments, I have seen my spiritual life reflecting what God is teaching me in my parenting.

A few weeks ago during our small group, we were discussing Jesus talking to his disciples about who was going to be the greatest in the kingdom of God. As usual the disciples were arguing and just not getting it. However, Jesus didn't rebuke them, he took advantage of the moment, and used it as a teachable moment. Mark 9: 33-37, " They came to Capernaum. When he was in the house, he asked them, 'What were you arguing about on the road?' But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest. Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, 'If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and a servant of all.' He took a little child an had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms he said to them, 'Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.'" I feel like if I was Jesus, I would have been thinking, "Seriously guys, haven't we talked about this before? Just do what I say, no questions!" However, Jesus took the time to explain, and created a teachable moment for his disciples. Luckily for me, Jesus is willing to take advantage of teachable moments with me too. He's willing and wanting to teach me new things about his character, his love, and his word, just to name a few. We never have to worry that we're going to get a pat answer from God. He delights in seeing his children grasp a new truth.

I encourage you to pray this week and ask God to show you teachable moments with your kids. When it seems easier and quicker just to do it ourselves, or give a blow off answer, I hope we would choose to teach and grow our kids instead. I also pray that we will take the time to sit at the feet of the ultimate teacher and glean from all he wants to teach us.

Fear Not!

About a month or two ago, I wrote a post about how God had me on the verge of learning some new things about myself and some of the insecurities I've been carrying through life. I have been continuing to seek God and learn about these issues a lot over the past several weeks. I have come to realize that at the core of my insecurities lies a huge helping of fear. Fear of being rejected, loneliness, and unknowns in general. God has really challenged me and enabled me to battle those fears with a heavy dose of God's truth.

I am still going through Beth Moore's study on the book of Esther, and I have been blessed beyond belief. A few weeks ago she addressed the issue of fear, and I felt that many of her words were specifically for me. She focussed on Esther 4:16, where Esther comes to a point where she can say these well known words, "And if I perish, then I perish." That's when Beth got personal. She asked, what is the, "If ____, Then_____," that we are struggling with in our own lives. She explained that so often we pray that God will keep our greatest fears from happening, and/or remove them from our lives. It is not wrong to pray that way, and often God may choose to do just that. However, we need to come to a point in our lives where can say, if (fill in the blank) happens, then, (God is still good, He will comfort me, He will be my peace, He will heal my broken heart, etc.). Wow... for me that is quite a huge undertaking. Immediately my mind goes to something happening to Bill or the kids, or something happening to my marriage, etc. Can I honestly be as brave as Esther and say, "If ______, then______!" We must address these fears in our lives, because how we respond to the "then_____" tells a lot about what we truly believe about God. Is he really all we need? Do we really believe he loves us and cares for us? I am not saying that if something devastating happened in our lives, that it wouldn't cause great pain and suffering for us. However, if we live our lives in fear and bondage to those "what ifs?" we will rob our lives of so much joy. I John 4 has always been one of my favorite books, I love verses 16-18, "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do w/ punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." Wow... again. If I truly believe that God loves me, I cannot live a life of fear. I must trust and have faith in every circumstance.

That leads me to another thought. So far, I've focussed on fear of the "worst case scenario." However, what do I do with those day to day fears. Those things I fear because they make life inconvenient, uncomfortable, and seemingly unenjoyable. I am talking about things like my fear of fitting in, fear of that person who makes work so difficult, fear that my child will never overcome some behavior that drives me crazy, etc. Am I sinning and being ruled by fear when I dread contact with those unpleasantries. Am I letting my fears steal the joy that God desires for my life? James 1:2-4 are verses that we would often like to ignore, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." It doesn't say that we are to just survive trials. It doesn't say that we are to pray that God keeps all trials out of our life or that he removes them as soon as they arrive. No, he says, "Consider it PURE JOY!" It's as though we are to be grateful that he loves us enough to give us trials because he wants to make us better. He wants to make us "mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I challenge us all to face our fears head on. Maybe you are going through a worst case scenario type fear, that shakes the very core of who you are and what you believe. Or maybe you're like me and need to find a way to choose joy in the midst of some day to day fears. I love the song, "Whatever You're Doing," by Sanctus Real. There is a line that grabs me every time I hear it, and I think it applies to either type of fear we deal with. It says, "Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I don't see, but I'm giving into something heavenly." This has been my prayer for my own life as I've been dealing with this issue. I hope it will serve as an encouragement to any who read as well. Finally, cling to truth of the following verses in Isaiah 41:10 & 13, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand... For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you!"

Give It Up!

Last Wednesday began Lent, the time from Ash Wednesday until Easter when Catholics traditionally give something up in honor of God and discipline themselves by withholding certain luxuries/vices. For about five years now, I have been quite intrigued with the concept. I have never been strong in the area of will power and I am not an overly disciplined individual. So, in the past I just thought, Lent, that's a great concept, but then did nothing about it. Well, this year a good friend put a challenge on her facebook page that people would seriously consider this discipline this year. I decided it was time to take the plunge, and I decided to give up most sweets (candy, cakes, cookies, desserts, etc). I allow myself to have soda because it helps with headaches that I get quite regularly. Otherwise almost all sweets are off limits. I would like to take a few minutes to share some of what I've been learning this first week.

For starters, I was amazed those first couple days how often I went for sweets without even realizing I was doing it. For example, I started eating a Fiber One breakfast bar that is drizzled w/ chocolate. I took one bite and thought, hey, this is pretty much a candy bar for breakfast, even if it's somewhat healthier, it's still a chocolate fix. So, I didn't finish it. Then the next day my husband and I went out for Chinese food and we got our fortune cookies at the end. I of course grabbed mine, bit in and started to chew, suddenly realized it was a "cookie" and spit it out. Examples like that made me think about areas of sin in my life. Sometimes our sin becomes such a comfortable part of everyday life that we aren't even aware we are doing it until we "take a big bite." I find myself thinking selfish thoughts, starting to show anger or sarcasm to my kids, or judging a brother or sister in Christ. I have to literally stop myself and "spit it out." I have to call a spade a spade and stop doing the thing I know is wrong. I love the verse, 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." When I sin, it almost always begins as a thought or attitude, and I must stop and say, "This is not true, what God says about _______ is true, and that truth is ________." We really must control our thoughts and as the verse says make them obedient to Christ. If we don't catch them in the early stages, it will lead to major disaster.

Another thing I've learned so far from the practice of Lent, is that other people are not responsible to help me hold to my convictions. For example, this past weekend I went with my husband, the youth pastor, to a youth retreat. Around 400 students and leaders at a camp in Wisconsin. Well, as I'm sure you can guess, there were sweet treats everywhere. Homemade cookies, ice cream bar, desserts, cinnamon rolls, and more were plentiful. People around me, some who knew that I was giving up sweets, were deeply enjoying their sugary goodies. There was even some oohing and ahhing and discussions on which dessert was best. I had to realize that no one was being mean or trying to trip me up by what they were doing. Plain and simply, they had not given up sweets for Lent, and they were welcome to eat whatever they chose. Similarly in our walk with Christ, we have certain convictions that he has placed on our hearts. We are accountable to God for the choices we make regarding those convictions, even if no one else feels convicted in such a manor. In addition, we must understand that others are not wrong or sinful if they are engaging in behaviors that are not sinful according to God's word, even if God may have called us to restrain from that behavior.

Finally, God is teaching me more about the concept of praying without ceasing. Every time I see sweets or think about how good some chocolate would taste, I try to pray instead. It is just a reminder to me how often we think about things of this world and our own selfish desires, and how I should be spending more time and effort focusing on things above.

Well, it's only been one week and I have about five or six to go. I am looking forward to learning more and becoming more disciplined. I would encourage everyone to consider some aspect of the discipline of fasting in your own life.

LESS than Ordinary...

Oh, where do I begin? The last week and a half, especially the last five or so days, have been a real time of challenge and in many ways failure in my life. For a little background, my husband, who is a youth pastor, was gone five of seven days last week. He spent Monday and Tuesday at a staff retreat and Friday through Sunday at a youth retreat. I would like to take a moment to say how much I admire all of you mom's out there whose husbands are in the military or travel a lot for work, and even more so any single moms. I really struggled during this past week.

"A" and I have been going through an exceptionally hard time of late. Unfortunately, it didn't end as soon as daddy came home either. I fully expected, when I had a daughter that somewhere around those pre-teen/ teenage years we would go through some rough stretches. I knew that we would be emotional and at odds about things. However, seeing that she is only five, I never expected to feel the frustration, disappointment, and quite honestly anger toward her that I've felt this past week. It seemed all I was doing was disciplining my child regarding her attitude and arguing at every waking moment. It really wore me out. Luckily, I have a couple of wonderful friends who have done a lot of listening these past few days and said some very simple things that spoke volumes into my life.

I want to say first and foremost that I am so thankful that God gave me friends that at least "claim" to be as imperfect as I am. As I told each of these two special women in my life, at different times, that I felt like I had no positive feelings toward my daughter and while I loved her, I honestly wasn't liking her at all, they both showed me grace and did not react with either shock or condemnation, and for that I am truly blessed. One of my friends said something very simple that she said she'd heard from another friend's husband, she said, "I always remember (so and so) saying, God must have given us these kids in order to keep us on our knees." Now to be honest, I've heard that before about different things, but this week in the middle of my feelings of stress, frustration, and feelings of failure, it spoke to me afresh. I replayed those words for the next 24 hours or so over and over in my head. That time included another very tough day, where I finally found myself crying out in my spirit, "GOD, I can't do this anymore!" And there it was... that still, small voice I've heard so many times in my life before, "you're right, you can't, thank you for finally realizing it." There I was, "on my knees," finally able to see myself for who I was, and able to see God for who he was. With a broken spirit, I asked God to love my daughter, to teach my daughter, and to show grace to my precious child, because in my own strength, I had nothing to give. And there in that moment I felt the truth of Matthew 11:28, "Come to me all you, who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

What's funny is I was talking to another one of my friend's this morning, recalling some of the events of the past few days and she said something else that really struck me. She said, everyone always says, "parenting isn't for the faint of heart," but really that's exactly who God wants. God isn't looking for someone who feels confident to parent on their own strength and their own plan. He's looking for the broken and the weak, those who are able to "let go, and let God." I so often find myself trying and working harder on being a better mom, which isn't necessarily bad, but so often I leave God out of the picture when I do that. My friend said she's been writing the words "look up" on her hand in the morning, so that when she starts to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, etc., she'll remember where she needs to look for guidance and help to make it through.

So, that's where I am today. I am trying to rest at the foot of the cross. I am handing my burden over to God, to carry the load, because without question, parenting is the most difficult thing I've ever done. On a more practical note, I'm praying a lot, for God's wisdom in disciplining my children and that I will love them with his love. I am also planning a mommy/daughter morning later this week. I think that I get so caught up in the discipline and training, that I forget to enjoy my daughter. I've scheduled donuts and pottery painting, and I can't wait! As much as I don't enjoy these times of molding and purifying that God takes me through, I am thankful for them. I pray that I will remember to stay on my knees and look to the one who loves my children so much more than I do!

On the Verge...

Last night, I sat down to watch "A Walk to Remember." I hadn't seen that movie since it came out, I believe in 2002... when I drug my new husband (who was still willing to see chick flicks with me) proclaiming that I had just read the book and it was the best thing ever. Much to my dismay it was very different from the book and I spent the next 8 years saying I hated the movie... so I was not expecting a whole lot last night. However, about mid way through I found myself tearing up as this young couple began to fall in love, etc. And then, as she walked down the aisle with her father, this 18 year old with Leukemia, about to marry her true love... The flood gates opened. I am talking full out, "ugly cry" took place. I was trying to catch my breath and sobbing and kind of shaking. I should add, I don't usually even cry much at movies... so I was kind of wondering what was going on. I've come up with a few possibilities.

I was sick this past week, I had strep throat. Being sick always wears me out emotionally as well as physically. I think that was definitely part of it, but even that didn't seem like enough. I just felt like I couldn't contain myself, like my emotions were right at the surface, can anyone relate to this? So I began trying to figure out why and I really believe that God has me right on the verge of understanding some things about myself that are not easy and teaching me some painful but necessary lessons.

About 2-3 weeks ago I began a mom's Bible study at my church on the book of Esther, by Beth Moore. I was excited, expecting to learn more about how to study the Bible, and read between the lines of scripture, etc. since Beth is such an amazing teacher. What I've gotten so far is so much more than I expected or bargained for. The subtitle of this Bible study is "Esther: It's Tough Being a Women." Every week there is a "scenario" in which it is tough to be a woman. Yesterday's video and this week's homework is focused on, "It's tough being a woman in a mean world." She talked about the meanness between Haman and Mordecai, but also about how as women we all have this mean streak we need to get under control. She talked about how all "meanness perceives a threat." I realized this is an area that God has been talking to me about for several weeks now. Not necessarily my "mean" streak, but more so my insecurities. I think I felt I was pretty confident and knew who I was as a Christian, as a wife and mother. I'm am starting to find out though that I have some really deep seated fears that I am only scratching the surface of. At age 31, I am finding that I still have an intense fear of rejection and not fitting in. Whether it's with the other "preschool moms" or even more so the women at church, I find myself feeling very self conscious. I wonder why so and so never seems to want to talk to me or wondering why I always seem to have to initiate spending time with certain friends. I know the truth, I know what God's word says in 1 John 3:1, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!..." I am God's child, he has lavished his love upon me. That is an incredible truth. All my worth can be found in that truth and in the fact that he loved me so much he sent his one and only son to die for me! Yet sometimes, I'm finding that the truth that is in my mind, is having a hard time making its way into my heart. I am living as a captive. Galatians 5:1 has always been a favorite, " It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery." I feel I am currently living in a form of bondage. I feel a need to be accepted by the world and to find my value in what others think of me. I know that this is sin, and I desire to be released from it. They always say awareness is the first step and that is where I am right now. I am scared to death of where God is going to take me next. I feel physically sick to my stomach as I write because I know that it is time for some serious self evaluation and pruning by my heavenly father. Exodus 20: 5 says, "... for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God,..." I know he does not accept a divided heart from his child. He wants and desires to be not only number one, but the ONLY one that I am looking to for love, acceptance, and self worth. I am ready to begin examining the strongholds I have allowed to creep up in my life. Like I said, I know it is going to be a journey and not always a pleasant one. However, I know that God has brought me to this spot and I know that he alone will see me through. So I will hold to the promise that, "the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3-4.

Questions???

"Momma, are we going home?" "Mommy can I have a snack at home?" "Momma do I have to go to bed at home?" "Mommy can I go back to that house again sometime?" "Momma, why do people without kids have kid movies?" etc...

Those were just a FEW of the questions my children asked me on our 15-20 minute drive home from some friends' home last night. At one point, about five minutes from home, I looked at Bill with a smile and said, "Remember that sign we saw at the Children's Museum last week that said the average 4 year old asks 437 questions a day, well I'm pretty sure our kids have surpassed that amount in our drive home tonight!" I'll admit that for the first ten or so questions my response to "Momma?" was, "yes buddy," or "yes sweetheart." However, by the time we hit question 150 or so I was giving a somewhat snippy, "WHAT?"

After the kids were finally home and tucked into bed for the night and there were no more questions for me to answer, the wheels in my head started to turn. I began to think about all those questions and what I could learn from them, as a mother, and as a Christ follower. Of course I started with a question of my own. Why do people ask so many questions? Well, as far as my kids go, it's simply that they need information. This world is huge and still relatively new to them and how can they learn, if they don't ask? That made me think more about the questions they ask and even how they ask them. My not quite 3 year old asks the same questions over and over. Sometimes this can seem very irritating. I mean how many times do you need me to answer the question, "are we going home now?" It's like he just couldn't get it? Or wasn't really listening to my answer. Then there's my 5 and a half year old, whose questions seemed more thought out such as, "mom, why did they have kid's movies at that house, when they don't have any kids?" And after given an answer one time, she seemed satisfied and moved on to something else. So, where am I going with all this?

Well, as a mom, it just really hit me that I need to be patient and kind when I answer the questions my children ask. It won't always be easy and there will be lots of times when I'll be tempted to and sometimes give into responding with a frustrated, "WHAT?" But I hope I'll remember that it is a privilege to answer the questions of my children. Most of us can remember a time we asked a friend, teacher or maybe even a parent a question and received a snippy response. Well, I don't know about you, but when that happens to me, I usually tell myself, fine, see if I ever ask that person anything again. What a tragedy if that were the mindset of my children toward me. In addition, I'm learning that their questions are such great learning opportunities. Not only in the obvious way, by giving them the information they are seeking, but also the chance to help them to learn to think and reason for themselves. When my 2 year old asks me if he can have a snack for the 10th time in two minutes, I can gently respond with, "what did mommy tell you about that?" And when my very curious 5 year old asks me why someone is acting a certain way, I can say, "I'm not sure, what do you think they could be feeling right now?" None of this is rocket science or anything new that most moms don't already know, yet it's something that I find so easy to forget. Especially for those of us in the trenches of motherhood answering the questions day in and day out.

However, the more I thought on this topic, I realized that God is so often that loving parent answering the questions of his children over and over again. I wonder how many of us get stuck in spiritual toddlerhood. Asking God the same things over and over and he graciously keeps answering. I spent some time looking up the phrase "asked Jesus" in an online concordance. Between the Gospels and the book of Acts, I got 91 hits. These were verses that dealt both with people who "asked Jesus" something and times when Jesus was asking the questions. As I skimmed over the verses I was so intrigued. Many questions were asked in order for the disciples or someone else to gain knowledge from Jesus. Other times the pharisees or rulers of the day asked Jesus questions in order to try and trap him or get him into trouble. And over and over again, Jesus asked people questions in response in order to get people to think for themselves and to help them realize the answers were right there if only they would look. However, in none of the verses I read, did Jesus give an angry response. He may have responded with his own questions, but he was patient and kind and always took the time to engage whoever was speaking with him. And so he is with me. I am very humbled that the creator of the universe, would take the time to listen to my questions and help guide me into a deeper understanding of who he is. I am blessed that even when my questions are full of hurt and confusion and anger, he responds with loving kindness. I am grateful that even though I sometimes don't listen or just don't get it, he never gives up on me. And most of all I am thankful that even when I don't like it or don't understand it, there is always a response to my questions.

Pain in the Offering...

Every so often I find that the Lord is gracious enough to allow me to see Him at work in the life of one of my children. It usually comes at one of those times when I'm ashamed to say, I've been thinking in my head, "seriously Lord, I love these kids, but I sure don't like them right now..." or "Lord, is anything I'm trying to teach them about you sticking... AT ALL, because I sure don't see it...." I'd been going through a time like that recently. It seemed like whenever I asked "E" if he wanted to pray, he said, "no," if I asked him if he wanted to go to church, he said, "no," if I asked if he was going to obey mommy because it would make Jesus happy, you guessed it, he said, "no!" And things with "A" felt even worse... I taught her the verse, "Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God," and when she would be fighting with "E" or a friend, I would remind her to be a peacemaker and she would tell me, "I don't want to!" And then the climax about a week ago when "A" had been having a particularly rough patch of talking back and just having a bad attitude, I got down on her level, and prepared myself to "speak the truth in love" to my daughter, and I explained that her behavior, plain and simple, was sin, and that our sin was what caused Jesus to have to die on the cross, etc... She paused and looked at me, meanwhile I'm imagining some great lightbulb going off in her head, and she responds, "MOM, your breath smells SO BAD!!" Great... just great, I'm really getting through to these kids. I even find myself momentarily asking, is it worth it? Why bother? However, I know that God's truth is more important than my emotions, so, I keep pushing on. And then, out of nowhere, God decides to give me the experience of this past week.

It began Sunday night. I was putting "A" to bed and I asked her what she had learned in Sunday School that day. It was kind of odd, because I just felt very led to ask her that, which I don't always do. I was half expecting her to say, "I don't know," or, "I don't remember," but she didn't. She told me they learned about a woman who didn't have much, but she gave all her money to God. Then she added that her teachers talked to her about how there was an earthquake in Haiti, and that there were people there that needed help and money. I told her that was true and we talked about how sad it was for the people in Haiti, and then I asked her if she wanted to give some of her money to the people in Haiti. She said yes, and I asked if she wanted to give the five dollar bill she had received as a Christmas present from my grandpa. Now for a little background, this five dollar bill is the only money aside from change in her piggy bank that my five year old currently possesses. She paused and said, "mommy, that money is really special, great-grandpa wanted me to have it." I told her it was true, it was special and that I would let her decide what she wanted to do. Fast forward to Tuesday evening. I am putting "A" to bed again and I see laying on her bedside table the aforementioned five dollar bill. I ask her what it is doing there, because I know that it is usually kept safely in her wallet, in her jewelry box. That's when "A" told me that she had decided that she wanted to give her five dollar bill to the people of Haiti. As a mother, my heart filled with love for this precious little girl. She was willing to take what she had heard and put it into practice. She did not give from her wealth, it would have been easy to give a few dimes and nickels from the piggy bank, but she gave all she had, her prized five dollar bill.

I feel that as adults we can learn a lot from the widow in the Bible story that gave her all to the Lord, and from my precious daughter who gave her five dollar bill to those devastated by the earthquake in Haiti. It made me think of the song, "Blessed be Your Name," by Matt Redmon. There is a section that goes: "Blessed be your name, On the road marked with suffering, When there's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name." Now, I need to let you know, so far 2010 has not gotten off to the financial start that I was planning for. In the first half of the first month of this new year we've incurred the following expenses: new car battery for our van, four new tires and alignment for our van, a new pump of some kind for our Jeep, a new dryer, and currently our van is making a new squealing sound that my husband is pretty sure is the water pump, it goes to the shop tomorrow. All in all about $1500-$2000 of bills we were not expecting. I have to be honest, this past week, I have said to myself, "I'd love to give some/more to Haiti, if only we didn't have all these unexpected expenses come up." But you know, God keeps bringing that line from that song back to my mind, over and over and over... Megan, now is one of those times when there is in fact some, "pain in the offering." What are you going to do? Do we stop tithing when the bills get tight? Do we pass on supporting that missionary or those in need because of that unexpected expense? It's hard stuff, but God is teaching me to trust Him. I don't know exactly what will happen yet, but I can feel God working on me in a big way, challenging me and waiting to see what I'll decide. I pray that I won't let Him down. And I thank Him for the blessing of allowing me to see His hand molding my little daughter even now.

And away we go...

Well, here it is, I'm starting a blog. You may ask why? Well, I started thinking about blogging a few weeks ago, and ever since I've been toying with the idea in my head. I don't really know if I have anything earth shattering to say. As I said in my profile, I'm not one of those moms that most people, myself included, admire. I haven't somehow managed to juggle the schedules of a big family, I don't homeschool my children, run some amazing at home business or even cook well... In fact, I consider myself one of the least qualified people to tell anyone, anything. However, the more I thought about it, I thought maybe all the things that disqualify me are actually the things that qualify me the most.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible has always been, "When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary, men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus." Acts 4:13. Thousands of people were coming to Christ and Peter and John were being forced to present their "case" so to speak in front of the rulers of the day. Everyone knew they were just fishermen, not scholars and yet they spoke with such authority and clarity. There was only one explanation people could find... "these men had been with Jesus." Wow! So, the more I got to thinking... I realized I too, "have been with Jesus." I have had a relationship with Jesus for approximately 25 years now. Albeit a very rocky relationship at times, but a relationship all the same. That fact alone gives me a "reason" to write this blog. Surely, He has shown me some things that are worth mentioning.

Last week while studying the Bible I read the following passage in Deuteronomy 11, "1- Love the Lord your God and keep his requirements, his decrees, his laws and his commands always. Remember today that your children were not the ones who saw and experienced the discipline of the LORD your God... 5- It was not your children who saw what he did for you in the desert until you arrived at this place... 7-But it was your own eyes that saw all these great things the LORD has done." A little later in verses 18-19, the familiar D6 passage is repeated, "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." Now I look at this as primarily as a passage telling us as parents that we have a responsibility to tell our children about the experiences in our lives where we have seen God work. We may not have seen the Red Sea open up and close on the armies of Egypt, but we all have a story to tell. It is not enough for us to just tell our kids Bible stories and "about" God, that will not change their lives long term. They need to see a faith that is practical that changes lives, and what better place to see that than in the lives of their parents. But lets take it one step further. In addition to teaching our children, we have a responsibility to build up the body of Christ. "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1Thes. 5:11. So, I figure, no one has had the exact same experiences that I have had. God has taught me lessons in ways He may or may not have taught others. Therefore, if I can encourage anyone or help anyone draw closer to God by sharing what "my eyes have seen," then I will share. And for those reasons, I am starting this blog...